SS's fanfic

[Shukaku Striker]

ok...this is a fanfic based on....my own creativity and my rpg characters...i hope it doesn't seem weird...

Prologue...

In this futuristic city called Safeway City, there is one boy, Rukyou Mitsurugi who has not realized the hero he will be...

in this time of chaos, he can be the only the one to save us all...

Chapter 1
*the city is burning and there is fire everywhere*

Mom: RUN SON...RUN!!!

Rukyou: *cries* i don't want to leave you...

Dad: JUST GO!!! We'll be fine....

Rukyou: *flinches* *gets the courage to run away*

*the government's soldiers are everywhere*

*there is fire burning down the city while innocent people are being beaten by the soldiers*

Rukyou: *looks back to see...his parents captured*
*turns away and keeps running* *starts to cry*

*soldiers pop out of nowhere right in front of Rukyou*

Soldier 1: We've got you now kid!

Rukyou:*turns around*

Soldier 2: it's no use punk...you're screwed...

*both soldiers pick him up*

Rukyou: lemme go you jerks!!

Soldier 1 : oh...a fiesty one huh?

*soldier 1 looks at his arm*

Soldier 1: Yup, this is the right kid...

Soldier 2: all we gotta do now is bring him to Boss

Soldier 1: yup, let's go...

*arrives at Boss's headquarters*

*both soldiers bow in front of him*

Soldier 1: We brought him to you...

Boss: Excellent.......

Boss: Give him to me...i will be the one to dispose of him...As a reward, here's 1000 jumes (term of money) for each of you

Soldier 1+2: Thank you master *leave*

Boss: so...this is the child hm???....he doesn't seem so special to me...i'll just use him as one of my experiments...no matter....

End

...it's just the beginning...any suggestions?*

[Dark Sasuke]

...?
Couple of stuff you need to work on:
1. It's in script. I dont like script. Makes me shudder.
2. Very very short. Make it a bit longer.
3. You rush. Rush is not good. More action!
4. DESCRIPTION!!!
Other than that, it's perfect

[Shukaku Striker]

Chapter 2: Dark energy???

"Doc, get the hell over here!", said Boss

The doctor quickly rushed over to the boss to see what was the dilemma.

"Yes?" said Doc

"This boy...he...will be the one...," sneered Boss

"What?!...You can't possibly be thinking of that!" said Doc in amazement

"Shutup! Do not doubt my methods! Reguardless of whether this mere child dies or not, he

could be the ultimate weapon if YOU DON'T SCREW THIS UP!" exclaimed Boss

"There's no way that teenage boy could withstand all of that energy. You've tried it on

several people FAR STRONGER than him. What in god's name makes you think this fool can

withstand "it"" said Doc, trying to reason with Boss

"You fool"

Doc stepped back and looked a bit agitated

"Why don't you take a second to look at the marks on his right wrist?"

Doc peered at Rukyou's arm to find that there was a strange design of black stripes and

spots on his wrist. Doc's eyes opened up in an instant.

"Now do you see. This boy is the "chosen one." He has the potential to be an elite soldier in

our army." said Boss

"Yes, he has POTENTIAL. The keyword being potential. There's no way he'd be able to

withstand all of that energy at his current level. Why can't we just wait a few years?" replied

Doc.

"We can't afford to wait a few years. He'd gain too much knowledge and eventually know

of our cruel deeds and learn to resent us"

Doc nodded in agreement. "So...do you want me to start now?"

"Yes...bring him out," said Boss

The soldiers brought Rukyou out from the cell he was captive in, holding both of his arms.

"LET ME GO YOU JERKS!" shouted Rukyou

He was flailing his legs mindlessly. One of his legs happened to hit one of the soldiers in the

shin.

"Ouch! You good for nothing punk! Boss, can i shut this kid up?!" said the first soldier

The second soldier simply laughed.

"What's so funny jackass?!" asked the first soldier

"SHUTUP BOTH OF YOU!" exclaimed Boss

Both soldiers immediately quited down in fear of the Boss.

"Now...knock the brat out" commanded Boss

Soldier one rammed the gun barrel right into the skull of Rukyou Mitsurugi. Rukyou's long

thick, brown hair flowed in the breeze as he hit the floor face first. (ouch!)

The soldiers laid Rukyou down on seat (like the ones you lie down on at the dentist)

A group of surgeons surrounded young Rukyou.

Doc went over to his work station and picked up a needle. There was a small container of a

purple fluid next to the needle. Doc put approximately one ounce of purple into this needle.

It seems as though this purple fluid is "dark energy" in it's most raw form......





it seemed long enough to me...

sorry there's no action yet...i promise..there will be plenty to come

i hope this better than last time...

as you can see, i'm a fanfic newb ;D

[Dark Sasuke]

YOu're getting better.
You should think about typing in your story in Word and then coping and pasting it here. Plus, try to make the whole story a little more compact. However, the plot is good and there is still some action. My rating:
A 7/10

[Shukaku Striker]

thanks for the constructive critiscism...

i'll try to take your suggestions

[Dark Sasuke]

you're welcome
Anything to help a new fanfic writer
(I've written a couple of fics)